I've been thinking a lot about trials recently. Some of us are going through huge trials at the moment, some are dealing with lots of smaller trials, and some are in between trials (don't get too comfortable!). Whether we like it or not, trials will come our way, sometimes when we least expect them. The way we handle them is what matters. Comparing our lives to other's lives only hurts us. Sometimes it just seems unfair that someone may seem to have such an easy life where everything is handed to them on a silver platter, but in reality, that's not the case. They may have all those things that you envy, but you don't see the terrible things that are happening in their lives. As they say "If the grass looks greener, it's probably astroturf".
One of my very first significant trials started in high school. I was diagnosed at about age 17 with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. This is a very critical time in a teens life where they may struggle with their self esteem, while trying to figure out who exactly they are and who they want to become. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome is a condition that effects approximately 10% of all women during the reproductive ages. One of the ways of diagnosing it is finding little cysts on the ovaries on an ultrasound. It causes many annoying physical conditions including acne, weight gain specifically in stomach area, hair loss, hirituism, irregular and often painful periods, and other crappy conditions. Also is one of the leading causes of infertility, which means it is highly unlikely to conceive. When I first found out I had it, all I could do was cry. Why me? The infertility was so hard to accept. I knew I wanted to have a lot of children and this was telling me I may not be able to conceive on my own. I struggled trying to accept it and trust God and his plan for me. I started praying to my Heavenly Father that all the symptoms could just go away and I could be healed, even though what I've read there's no cure for it, only ways to reduce the symptoms. But I thought, if I have enough faith, Heavenly Father will answer my prayers. I diligently prayed almost every night that it would go away. A whole year went by and I was still losing my hair and dealing with other side effects that really hurt my self esteem and made me feel depressed. I decided to pour my heart out to Heavenly Father for inspiration on what he wants, not what I want. Little did I know, He had another plan for me. After I prayed my heart out, the thought came to me. Maybe I need to accept that I cannot change this condition and I need to find a way to accept myself and find my inner beauty instead of focusing on outer beauty. I started to change my prayers. I started praying that I could accept myself and find a way to deal with the conditions. I also started eating healthier and found a Chinese Herb called Tankwe Gin. It helped get my periods more regular and stopped my hair from thinning. I also received a very special Priesthood Blessing from my Dad that specifically said I will be able to bear my own children. Such an amazing and spiritual experience. It was so comforting hearing those words coming directly from my Heavenly Father to me. All I needed was the faith that it will happen at the right time. Then a couple years after I got married I came across a book called "The Natural Diet Solution to PCOS and Infertility". One word, A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. It changed my life. I was able to get my body right on track and it felt great. It essentially is a Whole Foods diet, which consists of fruits, veggies, legumes, lean meats, lean poultry, fish, greens, etc. It helps women change their lifestyle to help minimize the symptoms of PCOS and help fertility. I was amazed at how much I transformed, body and mind. I lost 30 pounds in about 6 months and I never felt better. My hair came back healthy, my periods were right on schedule and the other symptoms minimized. About a year after starting the diet and doing acupuncture, I was even able to get pregnant! Before this trial I found my self comparing myself to other girls that had beautiful skin, hair, and the perfect body, but I came to the point where I recognized I CAN love my body and I just need to take care of it and need to love myself. Also most importantly, true beauty comes from within.
During the time, it seemed like the biggest trial I would ever go through. Boy was I wrong. But if I hadn't gone through it, I wouldn't have been able to handle my other trials that came in my life. After I had my daughter, my next trial came. She was a very colicky baby. She literally cried almost all the time until about 6 months plus she was the worst sleeper ever. I remember the first week of being home from the hospital, I went to my Mom's house. I'd been holding in all my feelings of despair ever since I'd gotten home from the hospital and they all just poured out. I told my Mom I didn't know how I could do this. She comforted me and told me I am not alone and she's in this with me. Just to hear I'm not alone was just what I needed to hear. The first couple months were so long and I kept looking forward to the day when she stopped crying and I was able to actually feel like I am actually a good Mom. I saw all these other Mom's that had perfect babies that barely cried. I felt so bad about myself and felt like other Mom's were judging me because my baby was so loud and fussy. At about 2 months, I finally realized that I need to live in the present and appreciate all the little moments that I can never get back. I also made it a point not to be so hard on myself. I was doing the best I could and that makes me a good Mom no matter what other Mom's may think. I recognized that if I hadn't had such a hard time getting pregnant, that I probably wouldn't be able to have as much patience with Kaydence. Everything was making sense to me so I made the best of it. I'm so grateful Heavenly Father taught me such an important lesson of "living in the present" and not constantly saying "I can't wait until...." It's changed my perspective about everything in life and I didn't miss many of those moments that I cannot get back. Whatever sucky trial you are in, just enjoy the ride, because there's going to be another sucky trial and the only way to get through it is to make the best of it. I sure had a very fussy baby, but she has transformed into a very good little girl. Sure she has her moments, but for the most part she is my angel.
Then along came my cancer trials that I had no idea I would ever be able to handle. But slowly God has molded me over time that has helped me learn how to handle it. God really knows what he is doing and like it says in the scriptures, He will never give us a trial that we cannot handle. I have come a long way in my spiritual journey and even though I've still got a really long way to go, I am finally getting to the point where I can honestly say I am thankful for my trials. Sounds like a lie, I know, but I really have been able to recognize how blessed I have become because of them. In the midst of trials it is very difficult to see any good about it, but over time God may reveal something that shows us how incredibly blessed we are because of how strong we were during those times of trial and testing. And if you look closely, God will provide many tender mercies throughout the journey. Even though I am thankful for my trials, to be honest, I am a little nervous what my future trials will bring... but since I've conquered all the other trials I've had and I am still alive, I can confidently say, Bring It On!
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