Breast Cancer - Round 2

Wow, this week has been a crazy week of lots of emotions. For those of you that didn't know, I was diagnosed with breast cancer 2 years ago, in 2012. I had a double mastectomy and chemo and finished in November 2012. I got my hair back and have been healthy ever since. 

Then life threw me a curve ball. A few weeks ago I found a lump close to the site where I found my original lump. It felt different though. It wasn't as hard, but it was firm. I see my oncologist every 3 months and I had an appointment coming up in a couple weeks, so I just decided to wait until that appointment to show her and also to see if it changes at all in those 2 weeks. I met with her and she ordered an ultrasound, but said there's a good chance it's just scar tissue since it's so close to the implant. I felt reassured and good about it, but still in the back of my mind, thought "what if". Everything happened so fast, within 15 minutes of meeting with my doctor, I got the ultrasound. Immediately after the ultrasound, the doctor went over the images with me and said that he wants to do a biopsy right now since it is indeed a mass, but that there's still a good chance it's just scar tissue. I was again feeling good about it and didn't expect anything to come of it. After the biopsy they told me to expect a call from my doctor in about 2 days. I went on with my life and wasn't too stressed about it. 

Friday morning, I was getting ready to go get a massage at my chiropractor's office. I was really looking forward to it because I haven't been sleeping very well so my muscles have been very uptight. As I was just about to walk out the door, my phone rang. It was my doctor. She didn't mess around and got straight to business. She said the results came back positive for cancer again. I was in complete shock and just started crying. Memories and emotions that I had felt the first time flooded my body and I couldn't stop crying. She helped me gain composure and kept reassuring me that "Chandra, we will take care of this and you will get through this". She is a very positive doctor and I love her for that. I called my husband Tanner immediately after hanging up with her. I hate being the bearer of bad news. He just started crying and came home immediately. He was home within 10 minutes and we embraced like we hadn't seen each other in months. We then had a good cry together and talked it out. We both made each other feel better and sweet Kaydence was there to make us recognize that everything will be ok and we will get through this. We then had to bear the bad news to my family. We went upstairs and Mom and Nicole were up there. They weren't expecting anything and asked have you heard back from the doctor yet? I couldn't hold back the tears again and just started balling. We all held eachother and cried. My mom is seriously the sweetest person in he world and always knows exactly what to say to make me feel better. She cried and told me how much she looks up to me and how she admires me for how strong I am. I really needed to hear that. I am a very independent person, so a lot of times I don't ask or need help, but times like this, I really needed it. Hugs always make me feel better no matter what.  Tanner knows that better than anyone, right honey?

So unfortunately I didn't make it to my massage appointment, but my sweet sister in law, Sheridan, and sister, Nicole, did my hair right after and it really made me feel so much better. I went platinum blonde and thought hey since I'll be losing my hair most likely soon, I don't even have to stress about bleaching the crap out of it :)

I had a PET scan and MRI this week. I met with my doctor on Thursday, Feb 13th to go over results and good news, the PET scan came back clean, which means there's no sign of it spreading in other parts of my body. We are very grateful for that news. She scheduled me for surgery, this Tuesday, February 18th and then the following week we will go over pathology results and come up with a treatment plan, but most likely looking at chemotherapy again and then follow up with radiation. She said the chemo they are thinking of doing, which isn't set in stone yet, is a very hardcore chemo and will most likely mess with my fertility. It was very hard hearing that. I already have fertility problems (PCOS) so that really hurts. My desire to continue my family has been so incredibly strong for the past couple of years and I know I've got more little sweet spirits waiting in the heavens to come down and bless our family with their sweetness. The good thing is that I have already harvested a few embryos from the first time I was diagnosed, so I know I have at least one more baby and if I'm lucky, maybe more. It is crazy because I already had an appointment set up with my fertility doctor in about a week and a half to schedule a time to have the embryo implanted in me and get pregnant. I've been so excited for that appointment. Plans sure change so fast. My emotions have been up and down this week, but I am finally in a place of peace, even though I'm still terrified, but I'm definitely feeling the love and it's what gets me by. Thanks to all those that have lifted me up and just made me feel loved. I really need that right now and it hasn't gone un-noticed. I've gotten several anonymous acts of love and I wish I knew who you were so I couldn't thank you directly, but I know you will be blessed because of your willingness to serve without receiving recognition. I am so grateful for you all. 

I've been through it once before, so I know I can do it again. My husband is my rock, my daughter is my sweet piece of heaven, and my Savior is my everything. I don't know how I could ever get through this without them. Christ's gospel is true and even though we may be given hard trials in this life, we know that ultimately God is shaping and molding us to become more like our Savior, and I'll do whatever it takes to get there. What hurts the most is knowing Christ suffered all of these things that I'm going through for me. It hurts to imagine the pain and anguish he has gone through. This is literally nothing in comparison to what he suffered and he did it willingly and with love. If he could go through such pain for me, then I can do this to become more like him.