Breast Cancer - 4th Time

The last three weeks have been a whirlwind. We’ve had some good healing cries, and even more incredible moments of peace. I have been diagnosed with stage 4 metastasized breast cancer. So far we have found it on my upper leg bone and my brain. My chest is so far looks clean, but it’s going to be quite a journey to recovery, which I am willing to fight for.

Let me go back to about 6 months ago. My mouth started slowly getting dry. At first it was not too noticeable, definitely able to function with it, but just really annoying. Slowly over time it got progressed and caused me to keep drinking so much water with no relief and i started feeling super fatigued. Nights would seem endless. I would wake up 4-8 times a night from my dry mouth, so in turn I would be taking a drink of water, and then I would wake up to go to the bathroom, and it was an endless cycle. I thought I was just going to have to get used to these side effects from my medicine. I had an appointment with my doctor at the cancer center, but my oncologist was in the process of moving to San Diego to open her own clinic, so I was seeing another doctor that works closely with my oncologist, until they assigned me a new oncologist. I had told her my complaints, and she told me that dry mouth along with a lot of my other symptoms are not related to my cancer, and fatigue is most likely a problem because I need to get back to the gym. I am a very active person and she knows that, so she thought I was fatigued because I wasn’t getting endorphins from exercising. I was just so tired I couldn’t drag myself to the gym. But at this point, I just listened and said okay.

A month or two passed and I got super sick in December. Felt like I had the flu muscle aches. I had it about 3 times total every 2-3 weeks. I went to the ER and off hours clinics often thinking I kept getting the flu, but I never tested positive for the flu, so I started thinking it was side effects to the cancer preventative medicine I am taking along with the monthly shot I get. The muscle aches finally passed after a few rounds of it. I met with that covering doctor a couple more times in the meantime with my complaints, and she would say the same thing and also that I need to go see an ENT to treat my dry mouth since it’s not related to cancer and I need to until I lost it at the doctors office. This recent time about a month ago, I started crying saying I am so tired and weak and I hate feeling not like myself. Normally I love getting out and being super active. Even my simple active habits I couldn’t do because I was so fatigued. I love doing yard work and gardening. I love going on walks with the dogs. I love shopping. I love exploring. I love hosting parties. I love cleaning. I love having dance parties. I love most of it, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do much except go to work. And when I did try to do those things, it was so difficult. She told me the same thing, but said she was going to refer me over to an internal medicine doctor. I was grateful for that.

The first time I met with that doctor, I just cried and said “Thanks for just listening to me as a human being and hearing my symptoms. Whether we can figure it out or not I am grateful for you for not dismissing my symptoms.” She was so incredible and I believe she was very in tune and inspired to be a hand in my cancer diagnosis. She spent effort digging. We went over all possible side effects from both medicines. Neither one had dry mouth as a side effect, but it did say dry skin, which I have so she said it’s possible that it’s related, but she told me she would like to continue meeting with me every few weeks. I graciously agreed. She ordered lots of blood tests and other things. Everything looked perfect except for my potassium. It was always on the low side. Also we discovered that my urine was super diluted, so she said I need to cut back on the water. She was right, I was drinking WAY too much water, but it was because of my lack of relief, I would keep drinking it, so I cut back a bit on the water and one might say, I felt like an alcoholic trying to get clean!

Then one day toward the end of March, I went to bed with a tummy ache. Took a little pepto bismol and went to bed. When I woke up, I was rubbing my stomach. It didn’t hurt, I was just rubbing it. I immediately got an overwhelming feeling of fear, which is not me at all. I have worked so hard for the past 3 years on my thoughtwork and how powerful my thoughts are, so I always stay away from fear, as fear does not serve me ever. But this time it was so weird. I felt off. I kept rubbing my stomach thinking I might have ovarian cancer or something. I rubbed and rubbed until I felt something. At this point you have to remember that I hadn’t worked out in 5 months, so my stomach has never been so soft for me to feel all my organs. I immediately had an overwhelming feeling that I might have ovarian cancer and I looked up symptoms and I had a few of them. It was so strange because I never go to fear so quickly but it kept going to my stomach thinking something was there. I knew I needed a scan, whether it was for my peace of mind or to find cancer, I needed it. I called my doctors office and told them I needed to get in ASAP because I had a lump. I knew I had to exaggerate because if I didn’t I wouldn’t get in and get a scan. I got in the next day, and she asked me where the lump is. I told her I’m not sure, I just felt something near my low stomach and it made me wonder if it was ovarian cancer since I knew I had a much higher chance of getting it. She felt my stomach and couldn’t find anything. I finally found what I was feeling and it was an organ. I told her how uneasy I felt. She reassured me that if it’s ovarian cancer, the blood results will come back with trackers in them. She left the room as we waited for the blood results. The moment she left, I pleaded with Heavenly Father to please impress her to get me a scan. I remember crying in the room as I prayed. I really felt like the results might be negative and I would be left with this uneasy feeling for a long time. She came back with the results. They were negative. She then proceeded to say, “I am going to order a scan just to give you peace of mind”. I know for a fact that was the work of Heavenly Father. You never get scans just to give you peace of mind. I felt very relieved.

The following week, I got the scan. At this point I was comfortable because I knew whatever I felt may have been my own feelings, or it might have been the Holy Ghost, and I have been working on not letting promptings from the Holy Ghost pass me by. The next day as we were getting Kaydence off for school, Tanner asked me “Are you going to take me on a date tonight?” I immediately answered saying that we should go to the temple for date night! As we were driving to the temple, I felt so good. We were just a couple miles away and my phone is ringing and it’s a call from the Cancer Center. I answer and it’s my doctor and she says they got results back. She said the ovaries looked perfect. She also said when breast cancer metastasizes, it likes to go to the liver and brain. She said the liver also looked perfect and clean, but…. we found something on your upper leg bone where my butt bone meets my leg. I asked her what her opinion was and she said it could be something benign. I told her what else could it be. She said it brings concern for bone cancer. We went to the temple and all my cares were left in the car. I felt an overwhelming amount of peace there. I had absolutely no fear and was reminded during the session about how short this life is and no matter what happens, it will be okay.

The next day, I started feeling like I might be needing to start getting used to the idea that God’s will might be that he needs me on the other side of the veil. I kind of kept it to myself and tried to ponder on it. We proceeded to get a lot of other tests and scans. I got a bone scan to verify if the cells there were irregular. They injected me with radio trackers. The results came back and they all went to that one spot on my bones. That was good news because we knew it hadn’t spread to all my bones. I immediately got a bone biopsy the next day and then later that week a brain MRI, and chest MRI. The brain MRI came back first. I was laying in my bed on Wednesday, April 10th. I woke up and thought to check my Banner Patient Portal, which I just found out recently that I can find the results as soon as they’re uploaded. I opened it and it was there. I anxiously opened it and it said that they found a “dumbbell shaped pituitary gland” and that it’s possible it’s metastasized breast cancer. I immediately got down on my knees and pleaded and cried to my Heavenly Father to please guide me to know His will. I wanted to know where to place my faith. I told him I know 100% he can heal me and allow a miracle in my life, but I didn’t want to press forward with that desire if it was not His will. I told him I would continue my efforts to be better every day. I told him I would get out of my comfort zone to help spread the knowledge of His gospel. I then was prompted to get my patriarchal blessing out. It brought me so much comfort hearing God’s plan for me. I had just finished and was re-reading it and my phone started ringing. It was my angel, Dr. Miller, calling me with the news. She told me everything and most of it went over my head, except for that the tumor explains all dry mouth and fatigue symptoms. Although it was terrible news, it also brought some weird sense of relief having answers for my symptoms. I asked her if she could send me an email with all the explanation that she told me. She is so kind and she said of course. She was about to say goodbye and I stopped her and started talk crying. I thanked her for being my angel and for listening to me and digging to figure out what was going on. She started crying too and shed a few tears together. She said she normally doesn’t get emotional and she really appreciated it.

My next step was to tell Tanner. I sent him a text asking him if he was available to help me since I had my biopsy and it hurt to walk. I didn’t want to give him the news over the phone. He called me right away and said he was headed to Goodyear, but he could have his brother drop him off. They were just passing our house! He walked into our bedroom to see me with my bed hair glory, but he could see an uneasy look on my face. I couldn’t bring myself to say it. He had to ask me a few times “What’s wrong?” I cried and cried as I proceeded to tell him that there is a brain tumor. He fell to the bed and we held each other on the bed and just sobbed and sobbed. I then told him how I had read my patriarchal blessing and it brought me a lot of peace. We were silent for a minute or so and then I asked him “Do you want to know my biggest fear?” He said yes. I told him how my biggest fear is not dying, but actually causing my close family members including him to lose faith in God if I do die. Tears rolled down my face as I told him I can’t live without him and I need him in the Celestial Kingdom with me. He promised me and assured me that would never happen. That also brought me an abundant amount of comfort.

That evening Tanner invited our Bishop over to give me a blessing. We shared the news with him and we talked for a bit and then he invited Tanner to give the blessing. It was a very beautiful blessing filled with so much hope and love from my Heavenly Father confirming that he is aware of this trial and that he loves me so much. During the blessing, it didn't specify where to place my faith, but brought me a lot of comfort. Right after the blessing the words of a talk from General Conference a few weeks ago, came to my mind. I haven't been able to research which one specifically it was yet, but it pretty much talked about when you are having a hard time getting answers to prayers, go with what you know and believe is the right thing in your heart, and if it's not, God will intervene and let you know. That was completely what I needed to hear. So I am going forward with 100% faith and trusting God with my life and praying for a miracle. I have no doubt in my mind that he can give me a miracle of healing, I just wasn't sure if it was His will or mine, so now that I had those words brought to my remembrance, I am going forward with faith for a miracle and will do so until I receive any inspiration otherwise.

We met with my radiation oncologist last Friday. We have to treat the brain tumor first and then move forward with the rest of the treatment plans. He told us how confident he is of using high radiation to kill the tumor with daily radiation treatments for 10 days. He also shared the news that the biopsy results were in from the bone, and that is is confirmed to be breast cancer. I started radiation on Monday on my brain. It's made me a little tired but I've always been fatigued from the tumor pressing on my pituitary gland, so I'm used to it. I did get a headache from treatments, so they have raised my steroids and told me to take ibuprofen to treat the headaches.

Another huge blessing and tender mercy happened a couple weeks ago. When my brother and sister in law heard the news, they tried to think and think of what would actually help me and my family right now. They ended up texting me that night and told me that they know it's last minute, but they want to fly us to Hawaii and they have her parent's house to stay in. The only week it was available was this week, so they were hoping it would work. I was so excited and relieved when I got that text, but at the same time I had no idea how I was going to make it work. This week was the only week it would work and I was scheduled to be back at work, so I thanked them and told them we can't make it work between school, work, and all my doctor appointments. They told me so sleep on it. I thought well I guess it doesn't hurt to ask my supervisor if I could take next week off (this was last week). I sent her a text and she told me yes! That was the first hurdle. Then Tanner rearranged his schedule, and then I contacted Kaydence's amazing teacher and she had her complete the last of AZ merit testing immediately when I contacted her. The last hurdle was to rearrange my doctor appointments and not delay any treatments. It worked out perfectly. We just left a day late and did all my doctor appointments on Monday and flew out Tuesday and then they told us they have to wait a week to start radiation. I'd much rather wait in Hawaii!!!!!! I am so grateful they pushed us to make it work! Also grateful for an amazing work family that has sacrificed to allow me to make it, and grateful for a selfless family and for the Tanner's for allowing us to have such an amazing opportunity. They even went beyond and had a world famous chef cater food so it was there in the fridge when we arrived. I also am getting a massage therapist come to the house today to give me a message. I am touched beyond words. They all knew exactly what our family needed and we will cherish these priceless moments forever.

Today I met with Dr Polowy from Ironwood Cancer Centers for my second opinion. I actually had my second opinion with him 3 years ago when I had cancer for the third time. I had possibly considered moving over to his care back then because I was so impressed with him and I felt very comfortable and taken care of, but I also felt that with my oncologist, Dr. Cianfrocca at MD Anderson Cancer Center. Plus he gave me the same treatment plan that Dr. Cianfrocca had given me, so I felt good about the treatment since 2 doctors came up with the same treatment plan, so I stayed with MD Anderson because I've always been taken really good care of there. But this appointment for my second opinion went really well today and he actually had a really different approach to fight the cancer this time and I felt much better about that plan, so I am going forward with being treated by him. I feel so incredibly good about it and felt so much peace and hope when I met with him. He agreed with radiation treatment plan, so I am going to continue that and when switch over to him after radiation.

Everything is really falling into place for me and I acknowledge it as God's hand. I also think that my sweet Grandma Rowley that passed away from cancer a few weeks ago is also lending a hand in helping everything fall into place. I have seen so many tender mercies so far and I'm so grateful for them during this time and will continue to pray for them to get me through. One of the major miracles I have witnessed was the strong impressions I had of fear that brought me into the Cancer Center to get my ovaries scanned and turned out it had nothing to do with the ovaries, but if I hadn't been worried about them, they wouldn't have scanned that area to find the tumor on my bone. This miracle has carried me thus far and I'm so grateful for that blessing. Right now I see it as a little way of God showing me He is definitely involved and aware of me and answering my prayers. Now that I have felt comfortable to pray for a miracle, I have hope that He CAN heal me and I CAN receive a miracle. I have also continued to pray that if I'm going on the wrong path with my faith, that he intervene to let me know otherwise. 

My sweet cousin, Catherine reached out to me with a great idea that I am very excited about. She wants to invite people close to me to set alarms on their phones and everyday at 9:00am, to take time to pray for me for a miracle. If you are willing and able, I would absolutely love and appreciate that. Please pray for a miracle for me. I sincerely believe in the power of prayer and know God is carrying me through this. I will continue to pray to align my will with God's to be able to receive continuous inspiration and impressions and for a miracle. I know God can heal me.

Thanks for all the love and prayers. Our family is a forever family and will be blessed beyond measure for enduring this trial, so I want to face it with strength, faith, hope and love.  I hope to try to keep this blog updated with news, so feel free to follow my journey if you are interested.