Breast Cancer 4th Time - Chemo, Healing My Heart & Surgery

As you may have read in my last update, I had gotten an answer from God that I need to heal my heart in order to receive my miracle of healing. I knew exactly what I had to do but wasn't sure how to do it. One of my weaknesses in my life that I've always struggled with was holding in feelings or grudges.  Nothing huge usually, just small things that can turn into big things over time. I was a very sensitive child growing up and as I grew into an adult, I recognized what I was doing and that I needed to work on it. 

As a young newlywed, I started on that journey of expressing my feelings when and to who it was appropriate to, and moving on from things that people did that I may not feel appropriate to talk to about. I made huge progress, but I would find myself still struggling. It's been an ongoing journey and I've never made more progress in my entire life than I have in the past 3 years. I've been listening to an amazing podcast called "Better Than Happy" that my sister and sister in law told me about. It's been an amazing journey. I've made a ton of changes for the better. It teaches you how powerful thoughtwork is. I think of Alma 12:14 how is says "and our thoughts will also condemn us". I am so motivated to get control of my thoughts as I believe that is what Hell will be in the next life, our thoughts. We will bring it upon ourselves and will not be able to progress as well without a body. Now is the time to overcome our desires, whether they're only in our thoughts or in our actions.

After I had received my answer that I need to heal my heart, I immediately knew I needed to forgive people and let go of feelings that may have been buried deep down over my lifetime. I was prompted to do an activity similar to an activity I did while on a retreat with cancer survivors last year. I started making a notes list on my phone anytime I thought of some situation or someone in my past that I thought I might have not fully forgiven. The list grew as I continued thinking for about it for 4 weeks. As I would think of anything, I would write the things I forgave them for, and then I would write thoughts down about each one that gave me compassion and sympathy about the person and then try to find a silver lining about the situation. I would read over that list every few days and add things as I go, so that by the time I was ready for the activity, my heart would 100% be in the right place. 

I had to time it perfectly on a night where I felt enough energy to do it. A couple weeks ago was that perfect night! My mom, Tanner, Kaydence and my nephew Nixon came along and we went to the Salt River. We found some river rocks and wrote all the names of the individuals that we wanted to forgive. My Mom and I then found a private place where the river was while Tanner kept an eye on the kiddos. The scene was so serene, I wish I had a photo of it, but there was a small area where the river broke off and the water was moving slowly through the rocks. As I reached for the first rock, I stood there in silence finding the strength to speak. I was overcome with an overwhelming feeling of gratitude that I was here. As I said aloud the words that I had written down, tears poured down my face. As I spoke, more words were brought to my mind from my heart. I then prepared to release the rock and said "I am allowing any negative energy associated with this person to go into the river. I am no longer allowing this negative energy to harbor in my body". I threw it into the river and cried and felt an immediate sense of lightness. I proceeded to hold each rock one by one with care. My Mom and I cried and held each other during each one. It was an amazing experience and I can't even express the feeling of freedom that I have from it. 

I can truly and humbly say I forgive each one and it feels so freeing to say that! I plan on doing this often, so that my mind and spirit can stay as pure as I felt that day. I am so grateful that Heavenly Father has prompted me to do this for myself. I want to move forward and no longer allow feelings of sadness, resentment, anger, frustration, selfishness, unworthiness, etc, to control me. I am in the drivers seat and no one has control over my feelings. My own thoughts about the situation are the only thing that controls those feelings. I plan on working on loving each and every single person that comes in and out of my life and not harboring any negative feelings. 

When I first met with my new doctor for the second opinion (a few months ago), one of the first things he had recommended was to remove my ovaries. I was 100% on board before he even said it. The idea behind it is that my cancer is hormone drive so hopefully removing the ovaries can stop the cancer from growing and ultimately from coming back. I was able to remove them last week and surgery went well with no complications. I am home and healing. I have never felt so much peace and comfort (emotionally) than I have in the past few months. God is right beside me and leading the way. My faith has grown immensely and I am so grateful for God allowing me to experience little miracles to prepare me for a miracle of healing. This life is full of hardship, trials, heartbreak, and pain, but there is no other way to progress. It is necessary to go through hardship to become stronger. I am grateful for my trials. I am grateful for my life, each and every day. There is so much beauty in a day if you slow down to recognize it. I am grateful for those that have served me and that continue to do so. I am grateful for all the prayers in my behalf. God is good and I know God will heal me. I've never been more confident in my life to say those words "God will heal me". It's so amazing to know that.  To get to that point, I had to face some fears and align my will 100% with God's, no matter what that looked like. I accepted that God might need me on the other side. I continued to pray to know, and the answer I got was to continue aligning my will with His. It wasn't until I completely aligned it, that I got the answer that I would be healed. I don't know what the journey will look like, but I know the end result and I am so blessed to be able to have that knowledge.

Tomorrow is my Pet Scan to see how the cancer is responding to the chemotherapy and to see if there are any new spots. God is in control, I am sitting back and trusting him. Thanks for all the love and prayers. 

Breast Cancer 4th Time - Update & Some Results!

Finally an update. Sorry it's been so long, but better late than never.

I completed 10 days of radiation on Friday, May 3rd. Thank goodness I don't have claustrophobia. You are held down with a tight mask on your face and is strapped to the table. Sometimes you feel like you can barely breathe, but you take slow and steady breaths and get through it. I got to ring the radiation bell and it was an exciting day at MD Anderson Cancer Center.

I started chemotherapy at Ironwood Cancer Center on May 8th. I get chemo via infusion every 3 weeks. It knocks me out pretty hard. For the first week I feel like a zombie and I get really bad muscle aches, but then the muscle aches ease up and I start gaining my strength back before my next chemo. I sleep 10-12 hours a night and then usually require a nap, but I am so grateful that I have the ability to do so. My co-workers are sacrificing by allowing me to be off work to focus on getting better and they are even donating the hours to cover my time off. Sometimes I have to pinch myself that I am so incredibly blessed and surrounded by such caring and loving people.

Right before we left to Hawaii my neighbor/friend asked me if she could give her friend a tour of our house if she was interested. She knew we were eventually going to list the house after we did some work on it. We got home from Hawaii to a text message from my friend saying they loved the house and they want to put in an offer! They put in an offer and before we knew it we were moving out! Seriously such a miracle and huge blessing from my Heavenly Father. It wasn't just coincidence. I know there was some divine intervention and I really believe my Grandma that passed away a few months ago pulled a few strings to help it happen so smoothly. She lived in my parents guest house and when she passed, my Mom and Dad wanted to downsize and move into the guest house and rent their main house. Everything has fallen into place so perfectly and we are renting their main house right now until the market gets low enough for us to buy again.

It was actually really sad to say goodbye. This home served us so well and we've made so many great memories in this house. We spent endless hours transforming this dirty gross house into a warm welcoming home. It was actually the very first house we looked at when we were looking for a house and it was an answer to our prayers. It was exactly what we needed and more. When we made the move to my parent's house, so many hands came ready to help. Two of my good friends particularly came and served me all day while I slept. When I woke up from my nap, my good friend Mica was there in my bathroom packing up all quietly and I just cried and cried. I had an overwhelming feeling of gratitude and love. Then the next day they both showed up at our new house and they were putting away all my kitchen boxes! I just about cried again when I saw them. I've made so many life long friends from that neighborhood that have pretty much turned into family, which made it even harder to move, but these are lifelong friends that I will have forever no matter where we are in life or in the world.

Kaydence had the amazing opportunity to attend a Camp called Camp Kesem. It's a camp specifically for kids that have a parent with cancer or had cancer. When I signed up for it summer of last year, I had no idea I even had cancer again, but looking back, I was definitely inspired to sign her up. She was there for an entire week and we weren't allowed to contact her unless it was an emergency. She did amazing and made some great memories. She came home with endless stories. She connected with so many girls that are going through the same things she is. She came home to a room all set up thanks to my friend Mica that gave her this bed and helped paint it for Kaydence. She was so excited to come home to a room with an actual bed since she's been sleeping on the mattress on the floor. Welcome home Kaydence!

I just had my third chemo treatment on Wednesday, June 19th. Each treatment gets worse and worse. This one hit me pretty hard. I just got out of bed today and it's already 1:30pm!  But I have lots of helping hands. My husband is amazing and between him and my Mom, they rub my feet every night to help me get to sleep. Tanner is so helpful and waits hand and foot. He is incredible and I feel very blessed to call him my forever love. Kaydence is a sweetheart and has helped me so much. I am extremely blessed to be her Mother. My Mom has helped with Kaydence and pretty much anything else I need. She's been making me a green drink every morning that has so much fresh greens and fruits. My friends and family have brought be dinner, cleaned for me, massaged me, checked up for me, brought me gifts, etc. My amazing sister surprised me with a chemo therapy bag that is so adorable and packed with everything I could possibly need. My other amazing sister and her hubby surprised us with a purple mattress! I feel like a queen on it. We hadn't bought a new mattress since we were first married about 13 years ago. My brother and sister in law sent us to Hawaii and it was incredible. My sweet sister in law and brother sent me an adorable necklace with my mantra on it "faith over fear". My amazing ward made me a gorgeous quilt and had everyone write notes on it for me. I cried when my friend presented it to me. Kaydence's amazing teacher, Mrs. Mast, surprised me and Kaydence on Mother's Day with an adorable photo print of Kaydence and I when I came to her class last year and did a book reading. The list goes on, but one of my favorites, is so many of you have prayed for me daily at 9:00am. I can't even begin to explain the power I have felt from all the prayers. It's overwhelming and I feel the power of a miracle.

So I have some great news to share! I had a brain scan earlier this week and we got some good hopeful results back!!!!! My tumor is shrinking and dying. It's 25% smaller so far. My doctor said it will continue to shrink so we have another brain scan in 3 months to follow the progress. My heart leaped when I heard those results. I had told so many people before the scan that I felt like the tumor was still there. I have prayed every night that Heavenly Father will continue to bless me with the ability to be in tune with my body to help my health journey. I kept feeling like it was still there, but I still had so much of the peace and comfort that has guided me so far that I thought we will just have to continue treating it. So I was really relieved to find out that it will continue to shrink! Many blessings have come thus far and I know many more will continue to come.

Also, my doctor believes I might have a thyroid imbalance since my fatigue is insanely intense. I got some blood work done and hoping to find some answers soon. I will be meeting with my endocrinologist next week. With this chemo, it's been cool that I didn't lose all my hair! My doctor did tell me before I started this chemo that it's 50/50 chance with this chemo. But I have been losing a ton of hair, so a thyroid imbalance would make sense. That would be nice to get a little more energy and hair back, but either way, I am just very grateful. 

I am going to be removing my ovaries probably in the next month or two. My cancer is hormone driven and I've been on hormone blockers for the past 3 years and it obviously isn't working, so I'm excited to get them out since they are feeding my cancer. I will experience a huge drop in hormones so I am going to try to be prepared and expect some depression and or mood swings, but like my doctor said "Depression is a lot more treatable than death". I am grateful this is even an option. I am willing to do whatever it takes. Then after I complete 3 months of chemo (in about a month) I will be having another scan to see how the cancer in my bone on my upper leg is responding to the chemo. The problem with that spot is that it's inoperable, so we can't just surgically remove it. Then we can either continue the treatment if it's working, or switch to another option. 

Last night I received a blessing from Tanner and my Dad. It was a beautiful blessing of faith and continued healing. It talked about the people on this earth that have been praying for me and it also talked about those on the other side that are praying for me. Tanner got choked up when he talked about those on the other side and I believe my Grandma Rowley has a big part of my healing. That night I prayed asking to know what I need to do right now to be able to receive my blessing of healing. I sat in silence for a few seconds and then immediately the words came to my mind "To be healed, you need to heal your heart". I know exactly what God is talking about and I am making it a goal to have the kind of love that God and Christ have for all of his Children to everyone I come in contact with. I am very excited for my journey to find that Christlike love for everyone no matter what they have done. 

Thanks so much for the love, prayers, thoughts, texts, and many acts of service you have given. It means more than you know. God's hand is in every detail of my life and I am so grateful for Him in my life. God is so good ❤❤❤❤

Breast Cancer - 4th Time

The last three weeks have been a whirlwind. We’ve had some good healing cries, and even more incredible moments of peace. I have been diagnosed with stage 4 metastasized breast cancer. So far we have found it on my upper leg bone and my brain. My chest is so far looks clean, but it’s going to be quite a journey to recovery, which I am willing to fight for.

Let me go back to about 6 months ago. My mouth started slowly getting dry. At first it was not too noticeable, definitely able to function with it, but just really annoying. Slowly over time it got progressed and caused me to keep drinking so much water with no relief and i started feeling super fatigued. Nights would seem endless. I would wake up 4-8 times a night from my dry mouth, so in turn I would be taking a drink of water, and then I would wake up to go to the bathroom, and it was an endless cycle. I thought I was just going to have to get used to these side effects from my medicine. I had an appointment with my doctor at the cancer center, but my oncologist was in the process of moving to San Diego to open her own clinic, so I was seeing another doctor that works closely with my oncologist, until they assigned me a new oncologist. I had told her my complaints, and she told me that dry mouth along with a lot of my other symptoms are not related to my cancer, and fatigue is most likely a problem because I need to get back to the gym. I am a very active person and she knows that, so she thought I was fatigued because I wasn’t getting endorphins from exercising. I was just so tired I couldn’t drag myself to the gym. But at this point, I just listened and said okay.

A month or two passed and I got super sick in December. Felt like I had the flu muscle aches. I had it about 3 times total every 2-3 weeks. I went to the ER and off hours clinics often thinking I kept getting the flu, but I never tested positive for the flu, so I started thinking it was side effects to the cancer preventative medicine I am taking along with the monthly shot I get. The muscle aches finally passed after a few rounds of it. I met with that covering doctor a couple more times in the meantime with my complaints, and she would say the same thing and also that I need to go see an ENT to treat my dry mouth since it’s not related to cancer and I need to until I lost it at the doctors office. This recent time about a month ago, I started crying saying I am so tired and weak and I hate feeling not like myself. Normally I love getting out and being super active. Even my simple active habits I couldn’t do because I was so fatigued. I love doing yard work and gardening. I love going on walks with the dogs. I love shopping. I love exploring. I love hosting parties. I love cleaning. I love having dance parties. I love most of it, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do much except go to work. And when I did try to do those things, it was so difficult. She told me the same thing, but said she was going to refer me over to an internal medicine doctor. I was grateful for that.

The first time I met with that doctor, I just cried and said “Thanks for just listening to me as a human being and hearing my symptoms. Whether we can figure it out or not I am grateful for you for not dismissing my symptoms.” She was so incredible and I believe she was very in tune and inspired to be a hand in my cancer diagnosis. She spent effort digging. We went over all possible side effects from both medicines. Neither one had dry mouth as a side effect, but it did say dry skin, which I have so she said it’s possible that it’s related, but she told me she would like to continue meeting with me every few weeks. I graciously agreed. She ordered lots of blood tests and other things. Everything looked perfect except for my potassium. It was always on the low side. Also we discovered that my urine was super diluted, so she said I need to cut back on the water. She was right, I was drinking WAY too much water, but it was because of my lack of relief, I would keep drinking it, so I cut back a bit on the water and one might say, I felt like an alcoholic trying to get clean!

Then one day toward the end of March, I went to bed with a tummy ache. Took a little pepto bismol and went to bed. When I woke up, I was rubbing my stomach. It didn’t hurt, I was just rubbing it. I immediately got an overwhelming feeling of fear, which is not me at all. I have worked so hard for the past 3 years on my thoughtwork and how powerful my thoughts are, so I always stay away from fear, as fear does not serve me ever. But this time it was so weird. I felt off. I kept rubbing my stomach thinking I might have ovarian cancer or something. I rubbed and rubbed until I felt something. At this point you have to remember that I hadn’t worked out in 5 months, so my stomach has never been so soft for me to feel all my organs. I immediately had an overwhelming feeling that I might have ovarian cancer and I looked up symptoms and I had a few of them. It was so strange because I never go to fear so quickly but it kept going to my stomach thinking something was there. I knew I needed a scan, whether it was for my peace of mind or to find cancer, I needed it. I called my doctors office and told them I needed to get in ASAP because I had a lump. I knew I had to exaggerate because if I didn’t I wouldn’t get in and get a scan. I got in the next day, and she asked me where the lump is. I told her I’m not sure, I just felt something near my low stomach and it made me wonder if it was ovarian cancer since I knew I had a much higher chance of getting it. She felt my stomach and couldn’t find anything. I finally found what I was feeling and it was an organ. I told her how uneasy I felt. She reassured me that if it’s ovarian cancer, the blood results will come back with trackers in them. She left the room as we waited for the blood results. The moment she left, I pleaded with Heavenly Father to please impress her to get me a scan. I remember crying in the room as I prayed. I really felt like the results might be negative and I would be left with this uneasy feeling for a long time. She came back with the results. They were negative. She then proceeded to say, “I am going to order a scan just to give you peace of mind”. I know for a fact that was the work of Heavenly Father. You never get scans just to give you peace of mind. I felt very relieved.

The following week, I got the scan. At this point I was comfortable because I knew whatever I felt may have been my own feelings, or it might have been the Holy Ghost, and I have been working on not letting promptings from the Holy Ghost pass me by. The next day as we were getting Kaydence off for school, Tanner asked me “Are you going to take me on a date tonight?” I immediately answered saying that we should go to the temple for date night! As we were driving to the temple, I felt so good. We were just a couple miles away and my phone is ringing and it’s a call from the Cancer Center. I answer and it’s my doctor and she says they got results back. She said the ovaries looked perfect. She also said when breast cancer metastasizes, it likes to go to the liver and brain. She said the liver also looked perfect and clean, but…. we found something on your upper leg bone where my butt bone meets my leg. I asked her what her opinion was and she said it could be something benign. I told her what else could it be. She said it brings concern for bone cancer. We went to the temple and all my cares were left in the car. I felt an overwhelming amount of peace there. I had absolutely no fear and was reminded during the session about how short this life is and no matter what happens, it will be okay.

The next day, I started feeling like I might be needing to start getting used to the idea that God’s will might be that he needs me on the other side of the veil. I kind of kept it to myself and tried to ponder on it. We proceeded to get a lot of other tests and scans. I got a bone scan to verify if the cells there were irregular. They injected me with radio trackers. The results came back and they all went to that one spot on my bones. That was good news because we knew it hadn’t spread to all my bones. I immediately got a bone biopsy the next day and then later that week a brain MRI, and chest MRI. The brain MRI came back first. I was laying in my bed on Wednesday, April 10th. I woke up and thought to check my Banner Patient Portal, which I just found out recently that I can find the results as soon as they’re uploaded. I opened it and it was there. I anxiously opened it and it said that they found a “dumbbell shaped pituitary gland” and that it’s possible it’s metastasized breast cancer. I immediately got down on my knees and pleaded and cried to my Heavenly Father to please guide me to know His will. I wanted to know where to place my faith. I told him I know 100% he can heal me and allow a miracle in my life, but I didn’t want to press forward with that desire if it was not His will. I told him I would continue my efforts to be better every day. I told him I would get out of my comfort zone to help spread the knowledge of His gospel. I then was prompted to get my patriarchal blessing out. It brought me so much comfort hearing God’s plan for me. I had just finished and was re-reading it and my phone started ringing. It was my angel, Dr. Miller, calling me with the news. She told me everything and most of it went over my head, except for that the tumor explains all dry mouth and fatigue symptoms. Although it was terrible news, it also brought some weird sense of relief having answers for my symptoms. I asked her if she could send me an email with all the explanation that she told me. She is so kind and she said of course. She was about to say goodbye and I stopped her and started talk crying. I thanked her for being my angel and for listening to me and digging to figure out what was going on. She started crying too and shed a few tears together. She said she normally doesn’t get emotional and she really appreciated it.

My next step was to tell Tanner. I sent him a text asking him if he was available to help me since I had my biopsy and it hurt to walk. I didn’t want to give him the news over the phone. He called me right away and said he was headed to Goodyear, but he could have his brother drop him off. They were just passing our house! He walked into our bedroom to see me with my bed hair glory, but he could see an uneasy look on my face. I couldn’t bring myself to say it. He had to ask me a few times “What’s wrong?” I cried and cried as I proceeded to tell him that there is a brain tumor. He fell to the bed and we held each other on the bed and just sobbed and sobbed. I then told him how I had read my patriarchal blessing and it brought me a lot of peace. We were silent for a minute or so and then I asked him “Do you want to know my biggest fear?” He said yes. I told him how my biggest fear is not dying, but actually causing my close family members including him to lose faith in God if I do die. Tears rolled down my face as I told him I can’t live without him and I need him in the Celestial Kingdom with me. He promised me and assured me that would never happen. That also brought me an abundant amount of comfort.

That evening Tanner invited our Bishop over to give me a blessing. We shared the news with him and we talked for a bit and then he invited Tanner to give the blessing. It was a very beautiful blessing filled with so much hope and love from my Heavenly Father confirming that he is aware of this trial and that he loves me so much. During the blessing, it didn't specify where to place my faith, but brought me a lot of comfort. Right after the blessing the words of a talk from General Conference a few weeks ago, came to my mind. I haven't been able to research which one specifically it was yet, but it pretty much talked about when you are having a hard time getting answers to prayers, go with what you know and believe is the right thing in your heart, and if it's not, God will intervene and let you know. That was completely what I needed to hear. So I am going forward with 100% faith and trusting God with my life and praying for a miracle. I have no doubt in my mind that he can give me a miracle of healing, I just wasn't sure if it was His will or mine, so now that I had those words brought to my remembrance, I am going forward with faith for a miracle and will do so until I receive any inspiration otherwise.

We met with my radiation oncologist last Friday. We have to treat the brain tumor first and then move forward with the rest of the treatment plans. He told us how confident he is of using high radiation to kill the tumor with daily radiation treatments for 10 days. He also shared the news that the biopsy results were in from the bone, and that is is confirmed to be breast cancer. I started radiation on Monday on my brain. It's made me a little tired but I've always been fatigued from the tumor pressing on my pituitary gland, so I'm used to it. I did get a headache from treatments, so they have raised my steroids and told me to take ibuprofen to treat the headaches.

Another huge blessing and tender mercy happened a couple weeks ago. When my brother and sister in law heard the news, they tried to think and think of what would actually help me and my family right now. They ended up texting me that night and told me that they know it's last minute, but they want to fly us to Hawaii and they have her parent's house to stay in. The only week it was available was this week, so they were hoping it would work. I was so excited and relieved when I got that text, but at the same time I had no idea how I was going to make it work. This week was the only week it would work and I was scheduled to be back at work, so I thanked them and told them we can't make it work between school, work, and all my doctor appointments. They told me so sleep on it. I thought well I guess it doesn't hurt to ask my supervisor if I could take next week off (this was last week). I sent her a text and she told me yes! That was the first hurdle. Then Tanner rearranged his schedule, and then I contacted Kaydence's amazing teacher and she had her complete the last of AZ merit testing immediately when I contacted her. The last hurdle was to rearrange my doctor appointments and not delay any treatments. It worked out perfectly. We just left a day late and did all my doctor appointments on Monday and flew out Tuesday and then they told us they have to wait a week to start radiation. I'd much rather wait in Hawaii!!!!!! I am so grateful they pushed us to make it work! Also grateful for an amazing work family that has sacrificed to allow me to make it, and grateful for a selfless family and for the Tanner's for allowing us to have such an amazing opportunity. They even went beyond and had a world famous chef cater food so it was there in the fridge when we arrived. I also am getting a massage therapist come to the house today to give me a message. I am touched beyond words. They all knew exactly what our family needed and we will cherish these priceless moments forever.

Today I met with Dr Polowy from Ironwood Cancer Centers for my second opinion. I actually had my second opinion with him 3 years ago when I had cancer for the third time. I had possibly considered moving over to his care back then because I was so impressed with him and I felt very comfortable and taken care of, but I also felt that with my oncologist, Dr. Cianfrocca at MD Anderson Cancer Center. Plus he gave me the same treatment plan that Dr. Cianfrocca had given me, so I felt good about the treatment since 2 doctors came up with the same treatment plan, so I stayed with MD Anderson because I've always been taken really good care of there. But this appointment for my second opinion went really well today and he actually had a really different approach to fight the cancer this time and I felt much better about that plan, so I am going forward with being treated by him. I feel so incredibly good about it and felt so much peace and hope when I met with him. He agreed with radiation treatment plan, so I am going to continue that and when switch over to him after radiation.

Everything is really falling into place for me and I acknowledge it as God's hand. I also think that my sweet Grandma Rowley that passed away from cancer a few weeks ago is also lending a hand in helping everything fall into place. I have seen so many tender mercies so far and I'm so grateful for them during this time and will continue to pray for them to get me through. One of the major miracles I have witnessed was the strong impressions I had of fear that brought me into the Cancer Center to get my ovaries scanned and turned out it had nothing to do with the ovaries, but if I hadn't been worried about them, they wouldn't have scanned that area to find the tumor on my bone. This miracle has carried me thus far and I'm so grateful for that blessing. Right now I see it as a little way of God showing me He is definitely involved and aware of me and answering my prayers. Now that I have felt comfortable to pray for a miracle, I have hope that He CAN heal me and I CAN receive a miracle. I have also continued to pray that if I'm going on the wrong path with my faith, that he intervene to let me know otherwise. 

My sweet cousin, Catherine reached out to me with a great idea that I am very excited about. She wants to invite people close to me to set alarms on their phones and everyday at 9:00am, to take time to pray for me for a miracle. If you are willing and able, I would absolutely love and appreciate that. Please pray for a miracle for me. I sincerely believe in the power of prayer and know God is carrying me through this. I will continue to pray to align my will with God's to be able to receive continuous inspiration and impressions and for a miracle. I know God can heal me.

Thanks for all the love and prayers. Our family is a forever family and will be blessed beyond measure for enduring this trial, so I want to face it with strength, faith, hope and love.  I hope to try to keep this blog updated with news, so feel free to follow my journey if you are interested.

Last Treatment Day!

I had finished my chemotherapy last summer, but I continued getting infusions of a medicine called Herceptin, so my treatments weren't officially over until June 6th. It was a special day. Tanner, my mom and my Kathy Mom came and visited with me while I got my treatment. A volunteer that worked there asked me when my last treatment was a few weeks prior, so he showed up with a cupcake a note and a pin! He was so thoughtful. He is a cancer survivor too. Then afterwards, more of my family was there with me to ring the bell. As I read the poem engraved by the bell, I was all choked up and could barely read it. It felt so good to have it behind me once again, hopefully for the final time. 

That evening Tanner had planned a Last Treatment Celebration Party. We went swimming and had BBQ. It was a great night to remember. 

Last Chemo Treatment // Banner MD Anderson Cancer Center

I finally finished my last (4th) chemo treatment on July 26th. It was a good day. Even though the effects would linger for a few weeks, it felt good to see light at the end of the tunnel. 

Tanner set up a last chemo celebration a couple weeks after my treatment when I was feeling better. I am going to continue getting infusions every 3 weeks for the next year, but it's not a chemo, it's a medicine called herceptin and has minimal manageable side effects. I also am getting hormone blocker shots every 3 months that basically turn off my ovaries temporarily, but I will do that for a long time as opposed to getting my ovaries taken out for the time being. It feels so good to be surrounded by those that love and care about me. I have had so much support from my family and I'm so grateful to have such a strong support system. 

2nd Round of Chemo & Mother's Day

Had my second round of chemo last week. It was a rough week, but didn't end up on the hospital this time, so that's improvement! My liver enzymes were elevated, so they lowered one one of the three doses of chemo by 25% just to be safe. Also didn't do a shot that I did last time called Neulasta. It's given day after chemo to help the body start making white blood cells sooner that it would on it's own to prevent chances of infection. Since I didn't tolerate the first treatment of chemo/neulasta well and we aren't sure what caused it, we decided not to do the shot this time around to see if that helps. So far I've felt better than I did the first time, so that may have helped, but it's hard to tell. Just grateful it's not as bad.

I finally got the rest of my chemo treatment plan. I am doing 3 rounds of FEC which is the combo of 3 chemos I'm doing now, so I've got 2 down and 1 more to go. Then I'll switch to a chemo called taxotere which hopefully my body will tolerate much better than the chemo I'm doing now. It also has less serious side effects. The one I'm doing now induce permanent menopause, heart failure and even leukemia (very rare but possible), so it will be good to switch over to the one that doesn't have such serious side effects as this. The last treatment of chemo should be the last week in July, as long as nothing changes, so I'm glad to have a plan in place! After chemo, I'll continue with an infusion (Herceptin) through my port every 3 weeks for a year that helps with a protein that's found in my cancer. It's not as serious as chemo, so my doctor says I should tolerate it well. The side effects are manageable. 

I've also been seeing the rehab therapist weekly since my surgery to help me gain back my range of motion and strength in my arm. I'm just about there. I can finally raise my arm above my head and looks like I will see her one more week and then I'll be good to work on it at home on my own. I may not ever have the range I had before surgery, but I will work on it to get the best results.

A week ago on fast Sunday I decided to shave the remaining amount of hair I had off since it was coming out so quickly. My sister and her boys come over all to help. It was fun to involve the kids. Made it feel less traumatizing for me. I was well enough to attend sacrament meeting afterwards, and I'm so glad I did. I felt a rejuvenation of spirituality that I really needed, but I also witnessed a very sweet and sincere testimony from a little boy that made my heart burst. He was the cutest went up all by himself. At the very end of his sweet testimony he said "and please bless the woman with cancer that she will feel better." I couldn't hold back the tears! They just kept flowing down my face. Even well after the testimony I was still crying. Even though I've lost my hair before, after it was all shaved off, I was really feeling bad about myself and it was just one of those days where I felt nothing looked good on me. Hearing those exact words really touched my heart and put my heart in the right place. I hear "Praying for you", "You are in my prayers" often, but to actually witness a little boy pray for me with such faith and sincerity, was overwhelmingly touching. It also confirmed to me that I really do have so many people praying for me. Sometimes it's hard to tell if people are just saying kind words to bring me comfort or if people really do include me in their daily prayers and this confirmed it for me. I think that's why it hit me so hard. Thanks to the beautiful Mother that is teaching your sweet children the power of prayer. You know who you are and I already have a deep love for you and your children in the short amount of time we've known each other.

Mother's Day was yesterday. It was the best day I've had all week. Had some delicious homemade waffles topped with fresh cut fruit. Also had some very heartwarming tear jerking letters from Tanner and Kaydence, along with some goodies and a massage gift card. Then spent the day visiting my amazing Mom and my other amazing Mom (Tanner's Mom). 

Also got to take a few photos with my sweetheart and I. She amazes me! She pushes me to be strong. She makes me fight harder when I don't feel like fighting. She makes me feel beautiful with or without hair. She has stepped as a mini-Mom in our household. She takes such good care of me from helping me up the stairs, getting me water, rubbing my feet, to singing me to sleep. I love this sweetheart to the moon and back. Words cannot describe the sweet relationship we have. She is my best friend and I am honored to be her Mother. She is going to be a great mother one day and I look forward to witnessing it, even though I don't want her to grow up. She will always be my sweet, sensitive, caring, thoughtful, honest, determined, smart, little baby. 

Fasting & First Round of Chemo

So much has happened in the past couple weeks. Some great experiences and some not so great, but I'd like to share both.

Two Sundays ago, was a great day and one I never want to forget. It was a very emotional and comforting day for me and my family. We were the recipients of so many prayers and fasts last fast Sunday. Between my family, friends, my ward, my parents ward, and people I don't even know, so many of them fasted and prayed for me. It felt amazing and I've felt an overwhelming amount of love from everyone around me. We were able to go to my brother and sister in law's ward for their new baby's blessing day. It was a beautiful blessing and she was like an angel. Then testimony meeting started. I immediately felt a huge amount of desire to share my testimony. What? I don't even know these people. They know nothing about me. But then I looked around and reminded myself that some of the most important people in my lives were sitting in our row and the row behind us, so it gave me a little courage to get up. As I waited for a couple of the first speakers to finish, I almost talked myself out of it because my heart was beating out of my chest! My heart raced and raced. How would I even get through it without sobbing? Will people even understand what I'm saying? What if I forget everything I feel in my heart? I knew I was fasting to receive a miracle of healing, and this was one of the best ways to show my Heavenly Father that I have the faith to be healed. There was a moment of silence for about 15 seconds, but felt like an eternity. The silence was killing me! I jumped right up and headed to the pulpit before I could change my mind. I shared a little bit about my story and then the sweet experience I had in the temple the day after I found out my cancer was back, where I opened the scriptures and the first page I turned to talked about how Jesus can heal ALL MANNER OF DISEASE, and that he has suffered every pain and heartache we will ever experience. I pretty much cried buckets the entire time, but it felt so good to share my testimony and express my love for my Savior and my Heavenly Father. It also helped me strengthen my own testimony and gave me an abundant amount of faith to press forward. After the blessing a sweet sister came to me and told me even though she doesn't know me, she felt so much love and compassion for me and she was so grateful that I bore my testimony, which helped her get up and share hers. It felt so good that I was able to touch someones life that I don't know.

After church, I had Tanner give me a priesthood blessing, along with my Dad and his Dad. The beginning of the blessing brought me peace, but didn't immediately clarify whether or not it was God's will to keep me on this earth. I anxiously listened to the words, then it happened. It specifically told me that anything righteous is possible according to my faith. Tears poured down my cheeks as I soaked in those words. It was words I already knew, but sometimes what I am praying for isn't God's will. The blessing was so beautiful and brought me the faith that I need to believe that I WILL be cured and it's not God's will that I leave this earth at this time. I feel so blessed to have the knowledge of diving inspiration directly from my Heavenly Father to me. I feel also very blessed to have such a righteous husband in my home worthy to give me such a blessing. Since then, the fear of dying has left my mind and I am focusing on getting better and healing, so matter how hard it will be.

I started my first round of chemo last Tuesday. I am doing a combination of chemos called FEC every three weeks for 3 months, then re-evaluating after to see if I can handle more. The total amount of time is about 3 hours. They were able to put in the port for me and it's been so much better than having to dig around in my helpless little arm for my tiny stubborn veins. That first night was awful. Felt like I didn't sleep a wink and the nausea medicine wasn't working very well. The nausea lasted a few more days pretty bad which caused me to get dehydrated because I didn't want to chug water like I normally do since it made me feel like I was going to throw up. Also a headache developed and wouldn't go away with just Tylenol.

Friday was the worst. I woke up barely awake, head still hurting. Even watching TV felt like a chore and I just didn't feel right. I decided to call my doctor to see if I was able to take any of my harder pain meds from my surgery to take care of the headache. Spoke to the triage nurse and they gave me permission. Got a call shortly after from my doctor that she wanted to see me and do labs just to make sure everything is okay. I had my Mom drive me as I was not in any condition to drive. I could barely keep my eyes open. Got to the hospital and they accessed my port. I always get lightheaded when anything with sharp edges touches my body, so I laid there for a minute afterward to wait for it to lessen. Hand in my Mom's arm, we headed to where my Mom left my wheelchair. Got in the elevator and as we exited, everything was turning black, as if I may pass out. My Mom took me to a bench and let me lie down while we waited for the doctor. After a few minutes, we went to see the doctor and everything I was explaining to her was concerning. She recommended that we get a brain MRI just to make sure nothing was missed in the brain, plus since it was the weekend, she wanted to admit me to get hydration and check blood work. I was too lethargic and out of it to even be worried about the brain cancer possibility. My Mom kept reassuring me that everything's going to be okay and that was enough for me. They got me in within the hour to the MRI and then right in to the hospital room. Results from the MRI came back clean, thank goodness! I stayed there overnight and the next day. Sleep was awful there because the nurses constantly checking in on me to do blood work and make sure I got constant fluids. Tanner stayed the night with me and my Mom visited a couple times. Tanner's Mom graciously took Kaydence that night and the next day. After a marathon of Lord of the Rings, I finally got discharged Saturday evening. It was nice to be home and I was already starting to feel more like myself. I came home to some wonderful surprises and it really made my day.

I've learned so many things through each trial I face, but one that really hit me hard this time around is service and pure love. It really is what makes the world a better place and brings a piece of heaven to earth. I've always liked to think that I serve a lot, whether it's giving the homeless man a gift card, or helping someone move, or just sending a nice text to someone that may need to hear kind words, but I have only come to realize that I've only scratched the surface. Being the recipient of such generous and loving acts has humbled me to the core and has brought me so much desire to pay it forward and serve as Christ would if he were on the earth today. It's one thing to check service off the daily list, but it's another thing to LOVE. When you truly love to serve, you don't look at it as an act of service, but an act of love. With true love, comes a type of compassion beyond expression that can heal wounded and aching hearts, of not only the recipient, but also the donor. I want to be able to give that type of love to others on a daily basis, so the point where their well being is more important to me than my own. Where I actively seek out those that are in need and to see others as God sees them, no matter what they are doing in their life or what the world thinks they do or don't deserve. I want to be a tool in God's hands and strive to reach my full potential in this life, so that in the life to come, I am well prepared to become a glorified being in the highest kingdom surrounded by every member of my family and extended family.

I thank all that have served me and continue to serve me with such loving and kind gestures, texts, dinners, cleaning, monetary support, hugs, and just telling me how much you love me. One of the best things that helps me get through this is hearing people love me. It brings me so much strength to fight even harder. I have felt the true love that I speak of and it's really humbled me and my family.

Second Surgery & Chemo Plan

I had my second surgery last Friday which was a rush surgery since we found out there is more cancer the day prior. It went well, but it sure was an aggressive surgery. They had to take my implant out and took all the tissue around it all the way to my armpit. Then close it tightly so there's quite a bit of stretching and it's very tender. First few days felt like how I felt with my very first surgery, the double mastectomy. You don't realize how much you use your chest muscles, until you have such an intense surgery as this. They also took out my previous drain, and put in a new one with this surgery. Each day gets a little better. I am starting to wean myself off the pain pills so that I can start chemotherapy soon. 

When I first looked at my self in the mirror, I wanted to cry, but my sweet husband reminded me of how beautiful I am even with all my scars. I thank God every day for blessing me with such an amazing husband. I have accepted the new me and I am reminded of the true beauty within which is much more important and what actually matters. My scars are my battle wounds that will continually remind me and my family what we've been through and how it brought us to where we are today. 

I met with my oncologist yesterday. It brought some of my fear to the surface. She feels like this is our last chance to really cure me since no more surgery is even possible since they've done as much as they can surgically. Also radiation typically is only done once in any area, so that won't be an option, unless the radiation doctor decides it's worth the risk, but that will be determined after chemo. My chemo plan is going to be 3 different chemos for 3 months, and if my body tolerates it well enough, she would like to do more, possibly up to 6 months total. One of the chemos has very serious but rare side effects, including leukemia and heart failure. We got results today that there is a protein called HER2+ in my cancer, that responds really well to a antibody medicine called hercepcin. This is good news in my oncologists perspective because it helps her know what we can attack it best with instead of shooting in the dark. It also means we can lower the rounds of the serious chemo since we have the antibodies to help battle it. I will do hercepcin infusions every 3 weeks for a year. Also instead of 4 rounds of the serious chemo, it will be 3 rounds total, then will continue with the other 2 chemos for as long as needed or as long as my body can tolerate it, plus the herceptin during the chemo treatments. So looking at 3 months chemo for sure, and then after 3 months to determine how much more by body can handle, if any. I spent the rest of the day with my Mom. We shed a few tears, but decided we need to cling to our faith and push out any negative thoughts. 

I am meeting with my surgeon on Monday and we will hopefully take my drain out, as long as the discharge is lower than 20mm per day by then. If so, we hope to start chemotherapy next week. 

I am praying for a miracle that this time I will be 100% cured and will no longer have to battle this nor have my family suffer and worry about me. My family is everything to me and I hate watching them suffer as they watch me suffer. I am having a special fast on Sunday and my husband will be giving me a priesthood blessing. For any that would like to join in the fast, that would be greatly appreciated. I firmly believe in the power of prayer, and then fasting added on top of that can produce miracles. I believe I can be healed and I know this trial is for my own benefit and hopefully I can be an inspiration for others to draw closer to Christ and to re-evaluate their lives to recognize what really matters. I am continually pushing out any doubt or loss of hope and replacing it with thoughts of faith, hope and miracles. This is the only way. Miracles cannot happen when doubt is present. Prayer and extraordinary faith can bring forth miracles and I know I can receive these miracles. I know I have many other blessings in store for me in this life and I plan to live long enough to receive all of them with my family by my side. 

Another Surgery // Blessing in Disguise

Today we finally got the pathology results back from surgery last week. We had some somewhat good news and not so good news. The good news is that it was only in 2 of the 11 lymph nodes, which was better than anticipated. The bad news is that there's another area around my original surgery incision that has cancer, but in reality may be a blessing in disguise.

Back in 2014, after the surgery, there was an area around the incision that built up scar tissue. Over the past 2 years, I haven't noticed it getting larger or changing at all, so I never thought twice about it. When I met my surgeon last week and discussed what surgery would entail, she asked me about that scar tissue area. I told her it hasn't changed and it's always been there since surgery. When she went in during surgery, she had a strong impression, just to biopsy it just in case, and to cover all bases. Thankfully she acted on that impression, which I know was a prompting from the Holy Ghost, no doubt. I've been praying every single day that the doctors in my care would be inspired to do anything and everything that needs to be done. She didn't tell me she did that until today because she didn't have the results back yet. Sure enough it came back positive. I am so grateful she did that! If she hadn't, we would have just continued with chemo and then would have assumed everything was fine, until months down the road and who knows, it may have already been spread to other parts of my body. Blessing in disguise! I feel so blessed that God has directed me and my doctors during my entire fight always allowing me to catch it before it has spread. 

I have surgery again tomorrow morning. They are going to remove all that tissue and my right implant, then put in another drain. I cannot have reconstructive surgery until at least a year of being cancer free, so it may be a while, but that is the least of my concerns. If I have one boob, I have one boob. At least I'll be alive and healthy and that's all that really matters. Through this whole process, one thing I think God has really wanted to help me learn is that looks aren't so important as the world makes them seem. Creating a beautiful person starts from the inside, and can reflect on the outside. I can still be beautiful without hair, without boobs, without makeup, etc. It's hard to get to the point where you really can feel that, but I am still learning and teaching myself. 

Please continue to pray for the doctors to continue to receive and act upon promptings that will allow me to have the best possible treatment specific for my body. I appreciate all the love and support I've felt, and continue to feel. I feel blessed and loved. Counting my blessings today and hugging my loved ones a little tighter!