Fasting & First Round of Chemo

So much has happened in the past couple weeks. Some great experiences and some not so great, but I'd like to share both.

Two Sundays ago, was a great day and one I never want to forget. It was a very emotional and comforting day for me and my family. We were the recipients of so many prayers and fasts last fast Sunday. Between my family, friends, my ward, my parents ward, and people I don't even know, so many of them fasted and prayed for me. It felt amazing and I've felt an overwhelming amount of love from everyone around me. We were able to go to my brother and sister in law's ward for their new baby's blessing day. It was a beautiful blessing and she was like an angel. Then testimony meeting started. I immediately felt a huge amount of desire to share my testimony. What? I don't even know these people. They know nothing about me. But then I looked around and reminded myself that some of the most important people in my lives were sitting in our row and the row behind us, so it gave me a little courage to get up. As I waited for a couple of the first speakers to finish, I almost talked myself out of it because my heart was beating out of my chest! My heart raced and raced. How would I even get through it without sobbing? Will people even understand what I'm saying? What if I forget everything I feel in my heart? I knew I was fasting to receive a miracle of healing, and this was one of the best ways to show my Heavenly Father that I have the faith to be healed. There was a moment of silence for about 15 seconds, but felt like an eternity. The silence was killing me! I jumped right up and headed to the pulpit before I could change my mind. I shared a little bit about my story and then the sweet experience I had in the temple the day after I found out my cancer was back, where I opened the scriptures and the first page I turned to talked about how Jesus can heal ALL MANNER OF DISEASE, and that he has suffered every pain and heartache we will ever experience. I pretty much cried buckets the entire time, but it felt so good to share my testimony and express my love for my Savior and my Heavenly Father. It also helped me strengthen my own testimony and gave me an abundant amount of faith to press forward. After the blessing a sweet sister came to me and told me even though she doesn't know me, she felt so much love and compassion for me and she was so grateful that I bore my testimony, which helped her get up and share hers. It felt so good that I was able to touch someones life that I don't know.

After church, I had Tanner give me a priesthood blessing, along with my Dad and his Dad. The beginning of the blessing brought me peace, but didn't immediately clarify whether or not it was God's will to keep me on this earth. I anxiously listened to the words, then it happened. It specifically told me that anything righteous is possible according to my faith. Tears poured down my cheeks as I soaked in those words. It was words I already knew, but sometimes what I am praying for isn't God's will. The blessing was so beautiful and brought me the faith that I need to believe that I WILL be cured and it's not God's will that I leave this earth at this time. I feel so blessed to have the knowledge of diving inspiration directly from my Heavenly Father to me. I feel also very blessed to have such a righteous husband in my home worthy to give me such a blessing. Since then, the fear of dying has left my mind and I am focusing on getting better and healing, so matter how hard it will be.

I started my first round of chemo last Tuesday. I am doing a combination of chemos called FEC every three weeks for 3 months, then re-evaluating after to see if I can handle more. The total amount of time is about 3 hours. They were able to put in the port for me and it's been so much better than having to dig around in my helpless little arm for my tiny stubborn veins. That first night was awful. Felt like I didn't sleep a wink and the nausea medicine wasn't working very well. The nausea lasted a few more days pretty bad which caused me to get dehydrated because I didn't want to chug water like I normally do since it made me feel like I was going to throw up. Also a headache developed and wouldn't go away with just Tylenol.

Friday was the worst. I woke up barely awake, head still hurting. Even watching TV felt like a chore and I just didn't feel right. I decided to call my doctor to see if I was able to take any of my harder pain meds from my surgery to take care of the headache. Spoke to the triage nurse and they gave me permission. Got a call shortly after from my doctor that she wanted to see me and do labs just to make sure everything is okay. I had my Mom drive me as I was not in any condition to drive. I could barely keep my eyes open. Got to the hospital and they accessed my port. I always get lightheaded when anything with sharp edges touches my body, so I laid there for a minute afterward to wait for it to lessen. Hand in my Mom's arm, we headed to where my Mom left my wheelchair. Got in the elevator and as we exited, everything was turning black, as if I may pass out. My Mom took me to a bench and let me lie down while we waited for the doctor. After a few minutes, we went to see the doctor and everything I was explaining to her was concerning. She recommended that we get a brain MRI just to make sure nothing was missed in the brain, plus since it was the weekend, she wanted to admit me to get hydration and check blood work. I was too lethargic and out of it to even be worried about the brain cancer possibility. My Mom kept reassuring me that everything's going to be okay and that was enough for me. They got me in within the hour to the MRI and then right in to the hospital room. Results from the MRI came back clean, thank goodness! I stayed there overnight and the next day. Sleep was awful there because the nurses constantly checking in on me to do blood work and make sure I got constant fluids. Tanner stayed the night with me and my Mom visited a couple times. Tanner's Mom graciously took Kaydence that night and the next day. After a marathon of Lord of the Rings, I finally got discharged Saturday evening. It was nice to be home and I was already starting to feel more like myself. I came home to some wonderful surprises and it really made my day.

I've learned so many things through each trial I face, but one that really hit me hard this time around is service and pure love. It really is what makes the world a better place and brings a piece of heaven to earth. I've always liked to think that I serve a lot, whether it's giving the homeless man a gift card, or helping someone move, or just sending a nice text to someone that may need to hear kind words, but I have only come to realize that I've only scratched the surface. Being the recipient of such generous and loving acts has humbled me to the core and has brought me so much desire to pay it forward and serve as Christ would if he were on the earth today. It's one thing to check service off the daily list, but it's another thing to LOVE. When you truly love to serve, you don't look at it as an act of service, but an act of love. With true love, comes a type of compassion beyond expression that can heal wounded and aching hearts, of not only the recipient, but also the donor. I want to be able to give that type of love to others on a daily basis, so the point where their well being is more important to me than my own. Where I actively seek out those that are in need and to see others as God sees them, no matter what they are doing in their life or what the world thinks they do or don't deserve. I want to be a tool in God's hands and strive to reach my full potential in this life, so that in the life to come, I am well prepared to become a glorified being in the highest kingdom surrounded by every member of my family and extended family.

I thank all that have served me and continue to serve me with such loving and kind gestures, texts, dinners, cleaning, monetary support, hugs, and just telling me how much you love me. One of the best things that helps me get through this is hearing people love me. It brings me so much strength to fight even harder. I have felt the true love that I speak of and it's really humbled me and my family.